A buddhist monk once asked his students:
“If you’re carrying a cup of coffee and someone bumps into you, why did you spill the coffee?”
The students answered, “Because someone bumped into me.”
The monk replied, “No. You spilled coffee because coffee was what you were carrying. If you had been carrying water, you would have spilled water.”
What Are You Carrying?
The monk’s story shows us a simple truth: we can only spill what we are carrying.
But here’s the deeper question — why are we carrying it in the first place?
Imagine that instead of a cup, we are each born with an empty backpack. Over time, every unprocessed, dismissed, or overwhelming emotion gets stored inside. And when life “bumps into us” — just like the coffee cup — what spills out today is often what has been packed away for years.
A sharp comment, a partner’s silence, a colleague’s tone… suddenly, you’re not just reacting to this moment, but to all the weight in your backpack. That’s why we sometimes wonder: “Why did that bother me so much? It wasn’t a big deal.”
What Spills Out?
The monk continued:
“Whenever life shakes you, whatever you’re carrying is what spills out. If you’re carrying fear, jealousy, anger, or resentment — that is what comes out. But if you’re carrying love, compassion, kindness, or empathy — that is what spills.”
Beautiful, right? But here’s the thing: as adults, it’s not so simple. We can’t just decide to carry love instead of fear. Those unprocessed emotions are already in the backpack.
The question is: how do we unpack it?
Why Co-Regulation Helps
When we were children, our nervous system learned how to regulate through relationships. A baby cries, rages, or trembles — and ideally, a caregiver comes close, stays calm, and helps the child feel safe again.
Through this, the child’s body learns:
“I can have big feelings and still be loved.”
“I can come back to safety.”
But for many of us, this repair didn’t happen consistently. Maybe caregivers told us to “stop crying,” punished our feelings, or were so overwhelmed they couldn’t be emotionally present. Our nervous system learned instead:
“It’s not safe to feel.”
“I am alone in this.”
Those unprocessed experiences went straight into the emotional backpack.
The Solution: Space Holding
This is where space holding comes in.
Space holding offers exactly what was missing: another steady, compassionate nervous system. The space holder doesn’t try to fix, judge, or abandon us — they simply stay present.
At a nervous system level, this presence communicates:
“You are not alone.”
“It is safe to feel this.”
With this support, something profound happens:
You can stay with emotions long enough to actually feel and release them, instead of repressing.
You receive the witnessing that was missing in childhood.
Your nervous system begins to rewire, learning that connection is safe, not dangerous.
Space Holding and the Power of Connection
Connection itself becomes the medicine. By being seen and held in our rawest states, we discover:
It is safe to be vulnerable.
It is safe to feel deeply.
It is safe to be connected even while in pain.
Over time, triggers no longer feel like life-threatening ruptures. We grow more resilient, more compassionate with ourselves, and more available for authentic connection with others.
Your Invitation
Ask yourself today: What am I carrying in my cup — and in my backpack?
If you feel the weight and want to explore how space holding can help you release what’s inside, I’d love to guide you.
Through Wild Woman Events and 1-on-1 Coaching, you can learn how to work with these stored emotions through the practice of space holding — a simple, profound, and effective tool for emotional freedom.
